I made several drawings with coal on sketch paper, in which I tried to combine what I had seen there in Madrid and what my impression of it was, what my mind made out of it. I was a bit to much interpretating the things, so my teacher asked me to stay at first a bit more at the concret visualisation of what I had seen.
Further we had to write texts about our memory, different ones, and think about how we could visualize them. I made some poems, a dialog and kind of a “why wall”, because I asked myself a lot of times questions with “why” at that time, and wanted to have all these questions presented like statements on a wall.
While showing all we had made until that time to the rest of the class and having a conversation about it, we then had to find our “concept” in it. In my case it was “standing critically between the worlds”, because what I made showed that I question a lot of things. But this didn’t give me satisfaction, because I could not work with that, it was still to open.
So I had a talk to my teacher, I told her that I had no idea how to go on. She gave me the advice to think about what happens when I travel from one place to another, like I did from Germany to Spain. I had the idea that, when you move from one place to another, you always have kind of a vision in your head how the other place would be and what you can expect to find there, and that these pictures in your mind always have something to do with a search for something better or nicer than where you are at the moment, and that the reality is always different. So I made some drawings of situations how I expected them to be before I went there during the last months, and also wrote down some questions I had connected with the movements I made. The idea was to put them behind a glass plate where I could see them, and meanwhile see myself reflected in the situation how it really was, so confrontate myself with what I expected and what it really turned out to be. I noticed that I felt uncomfortable while doing that, I felt kind of insecure feeling. So I thought this would be the better concept for me, insecurity.
I did then several tryouts, in order to give myself more insecurity while producing something. That I thought would be the aim of the subject, to make your concept to something productive. I changed e.g. my own standpoint towards the picture while painting it, I painted upside down or on inline skates, in order to see what would come out. Nothing really satisfied me, because I never felt like using my concept in a productive way, so I decided, one week before the end of the first period and the final presentation, to make an experiment with myself and bring me in real insecure situations. My plan was to program my watch to ring the alarm by coincidence during one week, and everytime when it would ring, no matter where I would be or what I would do, I wanted to do some artistic action.
This plan finally failed, because I just never did it. I asked myself why and analyzed my concept in form of a text. I wrote about insecurity, where it normaly comes from, what happens with people when they are insecure, how one can deal with it, and so on. Using this text, this analyse, I noticed why I could not realize my original plan. People never bring themselves consciously into insecure situations, they happen or not.
This text was then also some kind of key for me in this subject. A lot of things about insecurity and why it developed as my concept were now very clear to me. On the day of the presentation I then made kind of a performance out of this text, in which I realized several things. Using a text which analyzed the topic “insecurity”, I visualized on the one hand the concept itself. On the other hand, I inscenated my personal situation in which I was during the week when I wanted to bring myself in insecure situations. Furthermore I even “lived” or worked with my concept during the performance, because my original plan was to show the results of my original plan which I could not realize, so finally I had a complete other result than expected, so I really was insecure on the day of the presentation itself.
This final step put my concept and how I worked with it until now in a complete new light. I also realized how it had an influence on me from the first lesson on. Because I was insecure what to do, I always had problems to experiment, or to bring experiments I wanted to do to an end. So my conclusion was that insecurity doesn’t bring you anywhere, the more interesting point is a new creative potential that comes when you look for ways to come out of insecure situations, like I did e.g. with the performance in order to bring myself out of the insecure situation of not being able to realize an experiment. I noticed how complexe the whole process was until the last step, but I think I finally made something really productive for me out of it, and that my thoughts from the first lesson, not to make the things to easy for me, turned out to be the right ones, because I thinks the confrontation with really personal conflictes or feares brings out complete new potentials out of one.
In the next period I’d therefore like to work more spontaneously, more free, having a close look on what I finally discovered: the use of insecurety by having a look on the ways how to avoid it.
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